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Cultural Critique

Stream of Comedy with Mark Hudis
Guy With No Friends' "Things To Do List-Thursday":
Belittle
Annoy
Irritate
Badger
Fawn
Laze
Borrow
Argue
Complain
Accuse
Insult
Harangue
Inveigle
Deny
Contradict
Tape Seinfeld
Jan94


Apr95 Camel-what?
Anybody who knows The Hangdogs well knows of our ongoing independent scholarship in the Arthurian Cycle. Well, we haven't seen Hollywood's latest contribution to the legend--First Knight starring Richard Gere!--but Dogs' 18th century literature consultant informs us that it has a happy ending. Seems this latest bit of damnfoolery from Sony has Lancelot and Guinevere surviving the carnage of Camlann, Lancelot becoming king and the ideal of Camelot surviving. Hellooooooh! It's a tragedy! This is sort of like Romeo and Juliet eloping, bearing many children and setting up an antique shop outside of fucking Genoa. No, wait, I got it-Brad Pitt as a Bolshevik botswain who undertakes all kinds of hijinx to incite the daffy crew of a warship to mutiny in a musical romp through the Russian Revolution, The Battleship Potemkin Is Missing! Or maybe Charles Durning in a sitcom about Stalin. No, no, here it is: We'll have Disney do a feel-good Vietnam movie -- something with an elephant.


Stream of Comedy with Mark Hudis
Abe Lincoln at a McDonald's drive-thru...
Cashier: "You want anything else with that, Abe?"
Abe: "Fries, a Diet Coke and equality for men of all races and creeds."
Oct95


Movie Dialogue We Want to Hear!
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but it seems your husband is going to be a little late for dinner--forever." Oct95


Susan Cornfed's Movie Popcorn!
This month: Leaving Las Vegas, starring Nicholas Cage and that Elizabeth Shue chick. Susan Cornfed sez: "It's like Charles Bukowski, except that he is cute." Feb96

Susan Cornfed's Movie Popcorn!
This issue, because Susan Cornfed wasn't home when we called, guest reviewer "Banger Cornfed" looks at Trainspotting: "If I was that guy, I would stick with the under-age girl because she had that great Scottish accent." Nov96


Pants Across the Iway by John "WOPants" Sarna
Oh No! There is a picture of a surfer, on a wave-a big wave, I might add-on the cover of the latest J. Crew catalog! They are using surf motifs to sell J. Crew clothes! Surfing is no longer cool--it has been expropriated. Nov96


New on the Shelves:
Gummi Death. Nov96


Horror A Go Go with Marcudis of Borg
Americans love a good scare. That's why we elected Reagan to a second term. But nothing delivers chills during the Halloween season like a good old-fashioned horror movie. Forget the old standbys like The Exorcist, these are my favorite pee-your-pants cinematic frightmares:

  • The Upsetting. A remote lakeside cabin is the setting for this tale of four college students who try in vain to raise the dead by kicking them.
  • Night of the Evening. Unsettling tale of a young Las Vegas entertainer (Anson Williams) who sells his soul to the devil (Walter Koenig) for an '89 Plymouth Valiant.
  • The Uncorking Diners. in a fancy New York restaurant get the shock of their lives when a bottle of red wine is discovered to contain a foul-mouthed midget.
  • Dr. Rosencranz. Surrealist twist on Hawthorne's "Rapaccini's Daughter" finds Rosencranz (Herbert Lom) blackmailing himself by holding his daughter (Lauren Tewes) for a curious ransom: Goober Grape.

Nov96


Steinbeat!
Jeff Somerstein went to see the Patsy Cline memoir/retrospective/musical Always, Patsy Cline at the Variety on Third Ave and overheard this exchange from the elderly couple behind him:
Woman: "She's dead?"
Man: "That's an actress, stupid." Sept97


Opiate of the Masses of the Year
Tie: religion, Friends. Jan97


I Like Eisner!
Disney made it official last month, their little parade turning 42nd Street into Main Street USA, wiping out all vestiges of the B-movie industry that once thrived there and gave Waylon Wahl purpose. Welcome to Big Apple-Land. But if you look into the pit, doesn't it also look back into you? With that thought in mind, we present "The New Seven Dwarves: Dwarves Take Manhattan," by our own Mike Tallon & Matthew Grimm:
Skelly
Junky
Yuppy
Crazy
Skanky
Vinnie
Corpsy
Jul98


Susan Cornfed's Movie Popcorn
I got free HBO for a month, but so far everything has been bad. Sunday it was one of those movies with whatsizname Spade and Chris Farley and it was too dumb for even me. I thought it was promising cause they were break-pad salesmen, but after a half hour I went into the other room and took a nap. Jul98


waylon wahl's waylonetics!
I spent my Labor Day weekend at home drinking and watching the Planet Of The Apes marathon, stopping only to go to a bar where I demanded the TV be changed from some sport to the Planet Of The Apes marathon. My capsule reviews of all 5 movies:

  • Planet Of The Apes: Classic, particularly because Charlton Heston is typecast as an unrepentantly sanctimonious dick.
  • Beneath The Planet Of The Apes: Sucks. James Franciscus assumes the Charlton Heston role in spite of Charlton Heston being in the movie, and proves himself the poor man's Charlton Heston, ending his career.
  • Escape From The Planet Of The Apes: Pretty good. Everybody dies.
  • Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes: Excellent, particularly the whole "kill whitey" subtext.
  • Battle For The Planet Of The Apes: Crap. Dirt cheap, Paul Williams and an annoying sense of "hope."

Conclusion: Never "stray" onto Charlton Heston's property. Fall98


 
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