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Fake News

News Nobody Really Cares About
NEW YORK-Somebody here did something really nice for someone else this holiday season. This person was walking home from work when he saw this other person in some kind of difficult situation. In spite of a long day doing work that doesn't really effect anyone, this person took the time to make the other person's situation less difficult.

"I didn't think there were people like this anymore, especially not in big, giant heartless New York," said the person the first person helped. "I guess I do believe in angels on this the holiest of seasons."

The "good samaritan" said he didn't really think about doing good things, but, rather, just acted instinctively.

This lesson for the rest of us: Other people will do extraordinary things in this season of Light, so get back to work. Dec 94


Death Reincarnate
Bad news for dead people: The Republican Contract with America is explicit--no loitering. June95


NEWS NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT
NEW YORK-Creepy, slothlike space aliens didn't land here today, but if they did, we're pretty sure that they would actually have been friendly harbingers of hope and bringers of all the tools we'd need to create Heaven on Earth. We'd probly thank them by taking them to the Village Idiot and introducing them to Tommy, who would pour booze down their throats and buy them all Pabst. They'd probly get drunk, play some pool, learn all the lyrics to every George Jones song on the jukebox and end up hugging us and saying, "We luv you guysh." Then, after a nightcap or three at Flannery's, they'd crash on the floor at Mike Tallon's house, mumbling about that chick whose number they shoulda got. Early the next afternoon, we'd probly all watch cable and order pizza, then they'd puke, stumble out of the bathroom and say, "Gotta go, man." And the kicker is, we'd probly be too hungover to remember to ask them about the whole Cosmic enlightenment thing. The shit happens every time. Nov97


news you can't use
NEW YORK-Dumb white guys protested in front of the U.N. this week, insisting that they had gotten short shrift from society.

The group of thousands of thick-necked former high-school football players and fraternity brothers from all walks of life declared that they are being disenfranchised from the world they once virtually ran. They railed against increasing tolerance of ethnic and intellectual diversity, claiming they now have difficulty getting jobs as anything other than cops or insurance salesmen.

"We want it back the way it used to be," said one dumb white guy. "Y'know, when everybody looked like us and thought we were cool and shit."

The protesters also demanded Hollywood better represent dumb guys, insisting that the only roles they ever got were as cops, mooks, jerks, belligerent dickheads and Tom Cruise. May98


New York Gov Takes Next Step Towards Prohibition
In another blow struck by the iron gauntlet of New York's welling blackshirt movement, D'Amato machine stooge George Pataki beat Nazi New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani to the latest legal maneuver to end all fun the city.

Pataki, cow-towing to a lobby of people who don't know how to run bars and people who take starch in their invariably white shirts, said a newly proposed law to end buy-backs and promotional drink offers is intended to end "irresponsible binge drinking." No counter lobby has stepped forward to point out that such drinking habits are among the few ways real human beings have of attaining respite from the downsized, corporate-austerity-cowed, HMO-raped reality they have been subjected to by men like Pataki and Giuliani. But the lack of imediate financial support for such dissent likely has much to do with the fact that our booze budgets may soon increase by 25-33%.

According to a New York Republican Party document obtained by Hangdoggerel, the next targets of Pataki and Giuliani's thinly veiled eugenics agenda are to be "disambiente Volummes of hooligan Rock and Rolle musick" and "ye engagemente in interpersonal congress as to heat the blood to susceptibilitie to ye roiles of Passione." Aug99


Waylon Wahl's Mews Analyis for the Tactless
With regards to the Taiwan earthquake: Only 1,800 dead? If a giant radioactive monster had risen from the cracked-open bowels of the earth like one was supposed to, the death-toll would've been 1,000 times that. Just once in my life, I want to turn on CNN and hear the words "Ghidra, the three-headed monster" come out of Bernard Shaw's mouth. Oct99


 
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