Dec94 Banger's Scifi Geek Transit Update
Avoid taking hyperspace through the Altarian Nebula this month because of construction on the Cokie Roberts Memorial Jumpgate. Merging is a bitch now that Jerseyites and Ferengi have joined the Alliance. Occasional slow-going through the Schwarzenegger Sub-space Throughway because of seemingly random skirmishes between forces of light and darkness. If disturbances occur, look out for tie-fighters, G'em Haddar attack cruisers and those creepy Shadow Vessels that scream. Also traffic around the Hollywood Bowl will be murder because of another goddam Bob Hope Christmas special being filmed there.
If you're going to my neighborhood, plan on taking off a good hour before 11 pm because after that you can't. Construction has the 2 and 3 bypassing Grand Army Plaza. Normally you could just get off at Atlantic and change for the D or Q trains, but they're all fucked up cause of the construction on the Manhattan Bridge. The Q runs sometimes, but don't wager your mom's virginity on it getting you to the Seventh Avenue station. I tried and ended up in Oz. If you're going to take a cab, go before 11 pm also because construction on both bridges has both down to one lane and on the Brooklyn people have to get up on two wheels like Starsky & Hutch to get through. If you fly, you'd better sweet-talk the elves. Probly should come late anyway since I'll be drinking.
Banger's "Special Guest" Transit Update -- Nov96
By Spike Vrusho
What you don't wanna do is get on the Manhattan Bound Williamsburg Bridge anytime during daylight hours or when it's dark. A bunch of lanes are closed and there's no goth betties. So use the L, get off at Bedford and sulk around the Thai restaurant. Happy hunting!
On weekends, now through Nov. 21, all Manattan-bound D Train riders should avoid taking the D if you're planning on going to anywhere the D usually goes. As an alternative, try thinking "good thoughts."
Banger's SxSW Transit Update -- Mar97
When it's my turn to drive, best stay the hell outta my way.
Slim's SxSW Transit Update -- Mar97
Under no circumstances will Banger be allowed behind the wheel of any vehicle my guitars are riding in.
Aftershocks of New York's heatwave have reportedly been creating dimensional vortexes along the West Side Highway so you might want to drive with your antimatter containment pods activated. If you get sucked in anyway, bring me back some of that cheese they got there.
Banger's 'Remote' Transit Update - Nov 97
If any y'all have to drive in L.A., be advised: Conditions will be sucky from now until the end of time. If you need to take the 405 this week, try sprouting wings. Please drive with extra caution due to everyone else on the road being a putz. Remember to slow down for no good reason whatsoever.
banger's ON-TOUR traffic report - Aug99
An exclusive Hangdoggerel study has found that lolling, 65-mile-an-hour driving in the passing lane is most frequently caused by self-important gerbils on cell-phones, typically driving BMWs, Mercedes, SUVs or high-end Japanese sedans. The report goes on to suggest a localized microwave death-ray, such as the one being mounted on the Hangdogs' van dashboard, would be effective in eliminating this traffic hazzard, while making it appear that the driver died of a heart attack. Motorists with cell-phones are advised to be accordingly submissive to 20-passenger cargo vans bearing "Beware of Dog" signs in the Texas and Midwest regions during the late August and early September period. Or just quit cruising in the fucking passing lane at 65, Jerry.
There's a dumbass alert in D.C., likely to be followed by showers of rampant cynicism and bullshit punditry, so turn on those wipers. When making right turns, all people who make under $100,000 a year should keep in mind you are a member of a subject people.