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Timeless Wisdom

Incensitivity Training
We wouldn't mind incense so much if it weren't for that SMELL. Jan94

Stream of Comedy with Marcudis of Borg
Tip for healthful living: Never call a mafia wiseguy "pussy." Use the more formal "Mr. Pussy." Jan94

Lip Therapy
Next time some perky idiot reminds you that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, get up in their face and say, "I'm working out."

Brain Tickler
Sure we can put a man on the moon, but can we put a schmuck on the moon? Jan95

Polyanna Cracker
Call us dreamers, but we firmly believe that there's nothing you can do that is impossible. Apr95

Kidney Pi
It's always something, but it's usually renal failure. June95

Today's Vitriol
If people have more friends than you and say it's because you suck, don't be discouraged by their force of numbers. Perhaps they all simply suck by association! Oct95

If only the power of Satan could be harnessed and used for good! Oct95

Stream of Comedy with Mark Hudis
If one of my parents ever had terminal bone cancer and needed an expensive bone marrow transplant, I'd work day and night to raise the money for the operation. Then, when I finally had enough, I'd go to Vegas and use it to shoot craps. Why? Free beer! Jan95

'Buck Talk'
If I ever needed some quick cash, I'd just call up some hoodlums and tell them I'd found the Maltese Falcon. I'd offer it to them for a cool million, but when they insist on seeing "the bird," I'd say Unh-unh-uh, you mugs, half up front, half on delivery. I'd set up the "meet" for the next night at a bridge or someplace, then I'd just take off for Rio, cause I'm not greedy. Feb96

Banger's Latest Excuse
It's not that I am an alcoholic, it's just that, ever since they switched to the plastic, soda bottles don't really have the same effect when used to smash over some asshole's head. Nov96

Mike Tallon's Right-Living Forum
"Finish your beer. There are sober children in Ireland." Nov96

John 'WOPants' Sarna's Pants Across the Iway
Twice at parties in the East Village I have heard conversations break out over the stock market, and what companies to invest in. This means one of two things: either get out of the East Village, or get out of the stock market. Mar97

Bic Isn't Better
We're sorry, we don't mean to be cold, but once a pen runs out of ink, we simply have no use for it anymore. Mar97

Your Horoscope:
Jesus, dude, give it up. May98

Inspiration Corner
No mere restraining order can stop true love. May98

matthew grimm's 'guywise'
If you're a guy-and keep in mind this is only if you are a guy-I don't think you can really say "Nice shoes" to anyone without following it up, under your breath, with the word, "idiot." Hol98

mike tallon's 'girlwise'
The answer to every question in every Cosmo quiz is "bitches," they just never have it that way. Hol98

mike tallon's drunk glossary
Stephen Hawking Drunk. As in: "Fuck man, I got Stephen Hawking Drunk last night." Oct99

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